Good Show Sir

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Art Direction: I want this one looking exactly like a scary leaflet you’d get from some crazed new age cult! Naked opaque giant men, lens flares, rings of fire and eighties squiggles! We’ll double our congregation with this. Sorry, I mean readers… or… do I?
Published 1989

(Average: 5.85 out of 10)

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John Comments: There isn’t a joke I could make that would trump the description on the back – “The wife of a powerful figure in CA is found brutally murdered in the couple’s lonely mountain retreat. Wesley Stoneham made certain that all the evidence concerning the murderer of his wife pointed to a nearby hippie community. He had 3 goals in mind: to get rid of his wife, to drive out the hippie commune, and to enhance his own power in the state. He was at the point of achieving them all when Garnna, from the peaceful planet of Zartic finally made contact with Debby, a hippie from the commune, who had problems of her own. Then, Stoneham’s troubles began.” OF COURSE I BOUGHT THIS RIGHT AWAY!
Published 1975

Many thanks to John!

(Average: 8.48 out of 10)

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The Tim’s Art Direction: Okay, start with a monster with an improbably wide rear stance. Throw in some terrified citizens in jumpsuits. Now throw some rubble flying in impossible directions in there for good measure.
Published 1980

Rear cover here.
Many thanks to… The Tim!

(Average: 7.45 out of 10)

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I’ll tell you want you need. And skin it for free. Sorry, I mean what you need are bubble helmets and plenty of them. Nothing screams, ‘we’re in the future’ more than bubble helmets. With space suits of different unnecessarily bright colours. It’s the new retro. Or, the same as the previous retro… pretro?

(Average: 6.76 out of 10)

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I want you to listen to me, very carefully! Wolf howls up to the sky while a dragon flies in the background with a knight on its back. Again in the foreground a bowl cut man stands, his hand grasped firmly and suggestively around his sword. If you want to see your family again you will draw what I tell you.

(Average: 6.03 out of 10)

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We’ve both been talking this over and really there is one thing we need on our cover. A horrific font! Have it big, bold, blocky and have the ‘fought’ look like someone has tried to adjust the colour balance in photoshop and then forgot about it. For the rest, just have some women crawling out of the air vent shooting an android. But seriously, who cares about the artwork these days.

(Average: 6.58 out of 10)

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Max Bathroom Comments: “Phallic symbols? No, I have no idea what you’re talking about…”

Published 1976

(Average: 8.19 out of 10)

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Tor Mented Art Direction: “Here’s my wife’s glamour-studio photo. Turn it into a painting. You’ll have a generic cover, and I’ll have an anniversary gift. Two birds, one stone.”

Published 1994

(Average: 4.41 out of 10)

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We have here a trio of Honourable Mentions since these are e-books and technically not being photographed sitting in our sweaty hands. But the “publisher” Phoenix Pick informs us that you can own an actual dead-tree book version of the same. The odds are vanishingly small that any book versions of these titles would ever be found in what few book stores still exist. So let’s have our fun with these e-book pix nicked from the Intertubes. I see some vestige of an artist signature on one of these. Go figure. But none of my usual sources gives any hint who they might be. So Unknown Artist Institute it is.

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Good Show Sir Comments:

1. He-man and Cat-in-the-Hat take on flaming Gummi-Bear monster.

2. Stop wearing the chamois, son. I’ve got to dry the car.

3. Don’t think you’re setting a foot outside wearing that strapping outfit!

Published 2012

(Average: 8.22 out of 10)

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Janice Comments: Me ow! Look at the hairball I just warfed up!

Published 2003

(Average: 7.28 out of 10)

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