Good Show Sir

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I don’t know where I’ve been for the past few days, but I found this written on the back of my hand: Blue black skin, golden eyes, brain tubes, explosions, horrified expression, spaced out look, glass dome head.

Oh wait, it’s just all the classic symptoms of reading a collection of Sci-Fi stories.

(Average: 8.75 out of 10)

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Like a baseball bat to the face, we’ll hit our viewers with something special. A large forest women with rams horns and red curly hair. Perfect? Not quite. She’ll be wading her way through a swamp with another considerably smaller green tinted female watching. Now we’re perfect.

(Average: 4.32 out of 10)

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Look, with this we’re in a win-win situation. How could we go wrong with a space ship going through some sort of light speed travel and the captain pointing at a huge shiny hologram of a person? Just as long as we keep the fonts subtle we’ll be fine.

(Average: 7.10 out of 10)

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What in the name of Poseidon is this? A naked woman?! Look, we can’t have it go out like that, at least cover her up with something adequate, like a skimpy piece of cloth and some small shells covering a small portion of her cleavage. And have her standing on a chained man, pointing her sword at him. That way, it’s acceptable.

(Average: 4.50 out of 10)

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You know what’s on the way back in terms of being considered manly? Pink! That’s right. So we’ll have a lot of it. And on top of that epic dose of man we’ll add more layers of manliness. A crewcut, a crossbow and most importantly a stomach wound. That’s one large slice of man-cake for your eyes.

(Average: 4.67 out of 10)

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Oh, I know: I had this strange dream last night, possibly a nightmare. We’ll have a horse, the mare, charging through a book case, transparent like a ghost, into the view of a typical accountant type. Lapels and booze bottles around him, just like real life. Just kidding of course, we’ll have to make him look like he’s washed recently.

(Average: 4.34 out of 10)

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Listen to me carefully, I said give me a big bosomed women standing in front of some governmental type building casting a beefy fireball. With extra lens flare! Then place every sentence and word in a different type font. Oh wait… that’s what you’ve done.

(Average: 7.45 out of 10)

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You know what a book cover can never have enough of? That’s right chum, text. Lets fire as much on there as possible. And possibly some worm creature being attacked by guys with guns. But that’s secondary, no in fact it’s tertiary, to the fonts with their various marvelous colours and shapes.

(Average: 7.00 out of 10)

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I’ll tell you want you need. And skin it for free. Sorry, I mean what you need are bubble helmets and plenty of them. Nothing screams, ‘we’re in the future’ more than bubble helmets. With space suits of different unnecessarily bright colours. It’s the new retro. Or, the same as the previous retro… pretro?

(Average: 6.76 out of 10)

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There is one thing we should be about, fonts! Lots of them. Vast and glorious as they confuse your mind. Then we’ll just have something completely unoriginal on the cover. Something like, oh I don’t know, some marines firing their weapons at an tribal people who live in the trees. Sounds like a crap B movie eh? Ah ha ha ha ha.

(Average: 6.62 out of 10)

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