Good Show Sir

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There is nothing in this world that makes anything look better than shiny gold highlights around text and generally shiny boxes around huge fonts. What will you draw? Oh uh, three guys on a mountain edge, don’t forget the magic! Fantasy isn’t fantasy without a magic fireball or two.

(Average: 4.91 out of 10)

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I’ve heard on the grapevine that science fiction slash fantasy readers only want one thing. Naked women! What’s with that, eh? What we need are dudes. The type that make you feel really uncomfortable. No mention of fantasy or anything. Just a dude and… The Quest!

(Average: 8.55 out of 10)

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OH OH OH! Let’s have a half naked man grasping his magic electrified sword around waist height. That sounds suggestive? Of course it is, he’s holding a sword right next to his baby maker. A ha ha ha. Don’t forget to overload the whole cover with text, a lot of text, in all shapes and sizes.

(Average: 8.50 out of 10)

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We all know what men want. Hunky muscles and tight underwear. No? Uh, strange stone monoliths? No? Leopard skin capes. No? Three horns coming out of his skull? What, seriously, no? Alright, have them all, but add two naked women caressing him. Classy eh? Actually, don’t answer me this time.

Thanks to CSA!

(Average: 8.46 out of 10)

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A hunky half-naked muscle encrusted man standing in a strange mist, while casting a magic fireball from his hand. The book’s called flame, so how could we not have one! Though, to go one step further, have him looking thoughtfully at the fire in his hand. That way people will think he’s all sensitive and deep.

(Average: 8.24 out of 10)

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You know something that won’t date badly? Long hair with fringes and dudes with long gelled back hair. I can see it now, it will be the combination of every eighties sci-fi created by man. With this, we’re sorted well into the late 1990’s!

(Average: 7.90 out of 10)

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Realism is our key to success. I’m talking about a dude in a space suit and a very large dome helmet. The face inside must be like a photograph so people can really imagine the scene is real. Don’t forget the explosions, lasers and space robots!

(Average: 7.74 out of 10)

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A princely boy sits on some ruined steps while a dragon leans downwards in a yawn of sorts. Standing next to them, a white bearded wizard in his long purple robes who is motioning to the sky with other dragons flying gracefully in the sky. No stereotypes here whatsoever … none … zip … nadda … zero… null … uhhh *coughs*

(Average: 4.80 out of 10)

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The shine! We are all about the shine. But we’re lacking somewhere, there is just something we need to push the readers right over the edge and into the pit of greatness. Got it! Half-naked faeries and royal elves. Making one of them look like an Elizabethan queen will drive all the boys crayze-Z!

(Average: 7.71 out of 10)

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I want a man charging into battle on his horse. But instead of a horse, lets just have some five legged reptilian-esque horse creature and let’s not actually have a battle, he can just be charging alone through a desert Mars landscape. Make sure the guy is only wearing a loincloth – who cares about armour as long as your family jewels are comfortable?

(Average: 8.28 out of 10)

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