Good Show Sir

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So with a title like this, one has to be careful. I was thinking of a sweeping landscape and a storm brewing on the horizon. Silhouetted over the coming clouds and setting sun would be some hands in chains and…… Sorry? You just want busty sword welding chicks and a chained male. Ha! Who would approve that?

(Slightly breaks our rules as this is probably comedy – but it is another bank holiday weekend for UK readers! Have fun!)

(Average: 6.45 out of 10)

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Right, we’re in a recession, we need a cover that sells! Hmm, all black cover? You, sir, are fired! We need exploding cities in the midst of being attacked. A woman in a yellow and black striped catsuit, no wait… an alien woman! She can be holding a dagger while she peers into the foreground, completely ignoring the chaos behind her. If that doesn’t sell I’ll jump right out that window.

(Average: 7.23 out of 10)

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You know what always bugged the hell out of me about the whole north verses south thing? No dragons or magic crystal orbs. The north frees the south of: dragons! Right there on the cover, with King Lincoln watching the battle on his orb! It almost makes me proud to be Americaglish… or whatever.

(Average: 8.41 out of 10)

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Hey! You there beside the water cooler. What books you into these days? Narina? Narninia? Fine, let’s say a lion. And you with the coffee, what do you like? Chicks with swords. Awesome, slap them both on there. Best lens flare the hell out of the background though. I think we need something to grab people’s attention!

(Average: 6.58 out of 10)

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Hey guys, well I have the chips, beers, d20’s, cigars ….. and so I told them for the cover just put a large cybernetic cat man pondering meanly into the distance whilst standing in the midst of an exploded wasteland. *coughs* Why are you looking at me like that? …. Oh right, I forgot the dip!

(Average: 8.16 out of 10)

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Look I know it’s unusual but I want an actual lynx. It doesn’t stand up like a human, it doesn’t hold some sort of laser rifle, nor does it appear from a space ship. I just want it pouncing across the cover with a princely guy in a white cape leaping with it, while he grasps his sword. That’s not as cheesy right?

(Average: 4.63 out of 10)

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I’ll admit the only idea I could come up with is: a woman with laser gun cowers backwards with her chimpanzee colleague, who, I might add, should be in a tight leather body suit. Also, throw in a huge red horned daemon bull creature as he hurls himself at them with a loincloth… sorry I mean spear… ah what the hell why not both!?

(Average: 6.42 out of 10)

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Pictures cannot describe the shine I want on this cover. Eyes will turn and minds will be altered. I want… NO… I need a guy floating in the air in the ol’ Jesus cross pose having left behind a dimensional portal. Have some dude popping out only to find a sexy women in knee highs and a tight leather dress. It’s just like those magic shows……

(Average: 8.41 out of 10)

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OK! Get ready ’cause here comes the cover train and we’re about to jump right on it! One, a hunky topless man holding his huge gun. Two, a post-apocalyptic scene in the background. Three, the author’s name in terrible fonts and way larger than the actual book title. Four, did I mention muscles…mmm, MMM! Wooo woo all aboard!!!!

(Average: 8.32 out of 10)

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You know what people are into these days… dressing up like strange animal creatures. So put a couple of people talking to some weird bunny person.. just like the convention we were at last week! Except less of the, you know, horrible single 45 year old men looking for sex. Take away from that with a huge space ship in the sky with the author’s name printed in horrible fonts.

(Average: 8.35 out of 10)

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