Good Show Sir

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So I just read from the list on this sheet? Alright then, terrible fonts, realistic guys doing manly stuff and pulling awkward faces, and a futuristic city. Might I add something of my own? Why don’t we credit only the editors and none of the authors? …You’re promoting me to management?! OHHH yeaaah!

(Average: 6.21 out of 10)

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Chess? I’m sure that’s interesting and all but that gives me nothing to work with. No wait.. it does. Pink! Pink everything up, go for the windowed look, and make sure there are lots of things blurred slightly by the light. Maybe they’ll miss out on the chess part completely!

(Average: 5.40 out of 10)

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OH man, do I have a bad hangover! I need something soothing, like a half naked teenager holding a guitar and a bit of blood trickling from his mouth. His hair slicked back, his skin pale like that of a… vampire! That’s right, I did just suggest it: a vampire guitarist! Uh-oh, I’m going to be sick.

(Average: 8.49 out of 10)

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Naked people? You’re right, we can’t have two yellow glowing buck-naked people standing on some far away planet, with the man pointing upwards towards some awful green moon that takes up 80% of the cover. Oh I know, cover their jibblets with some storks. And we’re sorted!

Happy St. Patricks day! – Good Show Sir

(Average: 8.03 out of 10)

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Eighties cartoons are just fantastic, aren’t they. Wait a second… What if we go for that eighties look? Musclebound guy wearing strange straps which have no benefit and gold bracelets. Holding aloft his magic glowing scepter. No one is going to forget this cover anytime soon!

(Average: 8.02 out of 10)

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A naked man wrestles a lion man – who is wearing a speedo I should point out – on top of a mound of fire. Yes, I did just say that out loud. And I want a huge snake in there, with a collar. And I do mean snake, that’s not a euphemism, but then again nothing to stop us from putting some ass on there too.

(Average: 8.63 out of 10)

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Holy crap. We need something to distract from that bright silver font we’re using. So, how about a guy with an eye patch posing with weapons and a women doing the very same thing. Put a moon in the background, and by background I mean most of the cover.

(Average: 5.32 out of 10)

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A collection of fantasy stories? Well I know what they’ll want. A huge barbarian with a ponytail swinging his axe at randomly placed wood. Hmm, you’re right, needs thickened out. Throw a stereotype wizard/fireball combination in there and some damsel with a sword.

(Average: 6.48 out of 10)

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Thanks to Nix who says:

_Patterns of Chaos_ is a slightly famous book with a lot of amazing setpiece scenes which could have been used for the cover, starting with the destruction of entire planets, meticulously described, and ending with a transgalactic trip to a memorably unpleasant destination. If any book counts as overblown space opera, this one does.

So what did they use for the cover? A scowling cowled bloke, a weird plant, a badly-designed castle and a random number generator.

(Average: 5.01 out of 10)

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NIPPLES? What’s this obsession with nipples going around at the moment? Well by heck, we will give them so many nipples it will burn their retinas. And semi-naked muscle clad men killing some sort of beast! Now if you thought that wasn’t manly enough, we’ll give them all tashes!

(Average: 8.18 out of 10)

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